Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...