so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can't trust your balls anymore.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
