I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
