no, he came in my armpit
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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