she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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