I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
