Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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