WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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