i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
