you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
