I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
