I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
