I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
