Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
