That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
