I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
