you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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