That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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