I'm laying in your front yard are you home
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
