How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
