Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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