Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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