i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
