i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
