i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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