i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
