We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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