Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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