At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
