Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
