dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
