He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
