Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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