You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
