I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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