guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so that wasnt chicken after all
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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