I'm so fucking centered right now
I bet he comes in French.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
