he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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