I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
