i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
