I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Randomize
