Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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