we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
