Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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