So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
