On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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