Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
