I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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