Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
