A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
