Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
