Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
