I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
